As we
observe Valentine’s Day this week, much of society’s attention is directed
toward relationships. While the true winners on this occasion are no doubt the
florists, card shops, candy stores and jewelers, many people judge the strength
of their relationships on the size of their gifts. In the eyes of some, the size and cost of the
gift determine the health and strength of the relationship. This, however, is not one of the hallmarks
(no pun intended) of a healthy relationship.
Relationships,
like people, come in all shapes and sizes.
There are romantic relationships, family relationships, friend to friend
relationships, workplace relationships……and the list goes on. When most people talk of relationships they
refer to the romantic relationships. What
is a healthy relationship? Do they truly
exist? How do you make that happen? As a domestic violence advocate/counselor, I
see unhealthy relationships daily.
Sometimes when I talk with victims about healthy relationships, they
look at me as if I was talking about unicorns or mermaids. Healthy
relationships do exist, but not without effort and commitment.
Healthy
relationships require mutual respect, honest and open communication, love and
concern for the other person, and lots of hard work. As I child, I grew up on a farm. I remember the old farmers saying “Good
fences make good neighbors”. That
philosophy applies to good relationships as well; healthy boundaries are also
necessary for a successful relationship.
In fact, healthy boundaries may be the most important factor in
developing healthy relationships. Just
as the fences kept each farmer’s livestock from infringing on his neighbor’s
fields, we set boundaries to establish our personal limits as to the behavior
we will accept from other people. When
we set boundaries, it is our responsibility to communicate those limits to the
people with whom we interact. It is
important that we take responsibility for our feelings, by using “I feel” and
“I think” language, being careful not to be casting blame on our partner. Each of us has the right to have our own
thoughts and feelings without apology to anyone; we also have the
responsibility to “own” those thoughts and feelings. It is also important that we recognize the
right of the other person in the relationship to have their own boundaries;
indeed, we need to encourage them to do so.
While fences are usually permanent and immovable, boundaries are often
more fluid. They may change a little
from situation to situation, or from relationship to relationship, but with a
healthy boundary there will be a point where compromise stops. You may refer to this as your “bubble” or
“personal space” but you will learn that you feel happier and more settled when
you have established your limits.
A healthy
relationship does not mean that everything is always happy or that you will
never disagree. Differences of opinion
occur in healthy relationships but they are dealt with from positions of equal
power, and handled with respectful discussions.
Sometimes an answer is worked out………sometimes you just agree to
disagree. When communication is open and
honest and carried out without fear of repercussions or elements of power and
control, it is perfectly acceptable if a couple do not agree on
everything. In fact, the world would be
pretty boring if we always agreed. When
you have true love and concern for your partner you always want the best for
them and for yourself. Sometimes,
relationships are referred to as a 50-50 proposition. In reality, they are 100% propositions, with
each partner providing some of that 100%.
Rarely is it 50-50. Quite often
it may be 60-40, or 90-10. But in a
caring, healthy relationship, each person will have the opportunity to be the
90 and to be the 10 as circumstances dictate.
Superman only exists in the movies.
In a healthy relationship, each partner gets the chance to be Superman
(or woman) and an equal chance to be not so super.
Susie Kensil, Shelby County Domestic Violence Coordinator
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