Skip to main content

Why?


“Why do they stay in that relationship?”  “What is wrong with them?!?”  “Do they like it??!!”   “You would think they would leave if they didn’t like it!!”   “Why would someone stay with a person who constantly puts them down, calls them names, hurts them over and over physically, emotionally and even sexually?”

Sound familiar??  There is no easy answer to these questions.  Sadly, these are thoughts and questions that some have about domestic violence victims.  How wrong they are in their way of thinking!!   I can guarantee we will never meet the victim who tells us they “liked it”!! 

I would like to challenge your way of thinking – instead of asking and dwelling on “Why do they stay or why don’t they leave”? – I would like to rephrase that question to “What are the barriers that are keeping them in that relationship?”

Think about when they first met.  Things could not have been better.  He/she was charming, affectionate, thoughtful, romantic, and respectful.  Things gradually began to change when one began to notice another person from the opposite sex looked at them.  They noticed a twinge of jealousy come over their partner.  Over time, one began having to justify their every move – where they were going, who with, when they’d be back, who they talked to, etc.  As their partner began to want every minute of their time, they realized they were having to cancel plans with their friends, family members, or perhaps certain activities they had always enjoyed – all because their partner made them feel like they should be spending their time with them – not everyone else.  Suddenly, they began to feel isolated and very alone.

Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a victim.  The abuser sees they are becoming independent and is losing control of them so they lash out even more.  There are so many barriers that keep a victim in the relationship.  Fear itself – knowing the abuser better than anyone, they know what the abuser is capable of doing.  Many religious and cultural beliefs make a victim’s decision to stay.  Often, the victim does not feel they deserve anyone better; they feel it is their responsibility to change the batterer and to nurture the relationship.  Statistics show that victims return to their abuser an average of 5-7 times before they leave for good.  The number one reason they return is hope for change.  The batterer is very good at making empty promises and pushing the right buttons. 

In recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I challenge all of you to become educated – learn about the dynamics that surround a domestic violence victim and their children!  How much do you know about this unjustifiable crime??  Did you know that every 9 seconds a woman is being beaten or that 50-70% of men who abuse their partners also abuse their children, or that 23% of female victims are pregnant.  Did you know that according to multiple studies that examine homelessness among mothers and children, that more than 80% had previously experienced domestic violence and that between 22-57% of all homeless women report that domestic violence was the immediate cause of their homelessness??

I am asking you all to make a determined effort to attend one of the Candlelighting Ceremonies in October in recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Take your stand against domestic violence in your communities.  Let your friends, family members, co-workers, and neighbors know that domestic violence is a crime and should NOT be tolerated. 

Times and dates are as follows are on the website and the previous blog post.

Teri Ducy
Domestic Violence Program Director

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

27th Annual Coats for Kids!

2018 Coats for Kids drive has begun and we will be collecting new and good, used coats for families in need through November 30. Participating Cleaners will make sure the coats are clean and fresh and ready for the clothing rooms to distribute. (All addresses Decatur unless noted otherwise.)
WAND and Dove have teamed up each year to collect the coats!  The clean or new coats are taken to participating clothing rooms for families to choose. 
Donate and make it a warmer winter for everyone!








Participating Cleaners


Classic Cleaner, 2474 N. Main

Peerless Cleaners, 519 N. Monroe

Pride Cleaners and Launderers

2553 N. Main1804 E. Eldorado912 W. Eldorado2056 Mt. Zion Road
Waite's Dry Cleaners and Launderers

1004 S. Main, Decatur664 W. Eldorado115 Magnolia, Forsyth

Drop off sites

Decatur Public Library, 130 N. Franklin

Decatur Township Offices, 1620 S. Taylorville Road

Good Samaritan Inn, 920 N. Union

GT Church, 500 S. 27th



Illiopolis Christian Church, 302 Anne Street, Illiopolis

Kroger

Bret…

Kudos to our Volunteers!

Dove is blessed to have many Volunteers join us in our programs and the work we do.  We would like to take a moment to highlight a few of our amazing volunteers within the Domestic Violence Program, and some of the milestones that were reached in November, 2018.
Lesley Dowell (R) is a dedicated volunteer who is always around when we need her. She has recently dedicated herself to assisting with the legal advocates, be it helping with Orders of Protection or attending court hearings with our survivors to help support and advocate for them. Lesley also is a volunteer who doesn’t hesitate to help cover the shelter when needed. It is my pleasure to share that Lesley has reached her second milestone and surpassed 100 hours of volunteer service within our program. Thanks Lesley for all you do!



Janet Broderick, (L), is one of our hardest working volunteers as well. Janet has filled a number of amazing roles, using her extensive backgrounds and trainings to make an impact in our progr…