“Why do they stay in that relationship?” “What is wrong with them?!?” “Do they like it??!!” “You
would think they would leave if they didn’t like it!!” “Why
would someone stay with a person who constantly puts them down, calls them names,
hurts them over and over physically, emotionally and even sexually?”
Sound familiar??
There is no easy answer to these questions. Sadly, these are thoughts and questions that
some have about domestic violence victims.
How wrong they are in their way of thinking!! I can guarantee we will never meet the
victim who tells us they “liked it”!!
I would like to challenge your way of thinking – instead of
asking and dwelling on “Why do they stay or why don’t they leave”? – I would
like to rephrase that question to “What are the barriers that are keeping them in
that relationship?”
Think about when they first met. Things could not have been better. He/she was charming, affectionate,
thoughtful, romantic, and respectful.
Things gradually began to change when one began to notice another person
from the opposite sex looked at them.
They noticed a twinge of jealousy come over their partner. Over time, one began having to justify their
every move – where they were going, who with, when they’d be back, who they talked
to, etc. As their partner began to want
every minute of their time, they realized they were having to cancel plans with
their friends, family members, or perhaps certain activities they had always
enjoyed – all because their partner made them feel like they should be spending
their time with them – not everyone else.
Suddenly, they began to feel isolated and very alone.
Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time
for a victim. The abuser sees they are
becoming independent and is losing control of them so they lash out even
more. There are so many barriers that
keep a victim in the relationship. Fear
itself – knowing the abuser better than anyone, they know what the abuser is capable
of doing. Many religious and cultural
beliefs make a victim’s decision to stay.
Often, the victim does not feel they deserve anyone better; they feel it
is their responsibility to change the batterer and to nurture the
relationship. Statistics show that
victims return to their abuser an average of 5-7 times before they leave for
good. The number one reason they return
is hope for change. The batterer is very
good at making empty promises and pushing the right buttons.
In recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness
Month, I challenge all of you to become educated – learn about the dynamics
that surround a domestic violence victim and their children! How much do you know about this unjustifiable
crime?? Did you know that every 9 seconds
a woman is being beaten or that 50-70% of men who abuse their partners also
abuse their children, or that 23% of female victims are pregnant. Did you know that according to multiple
studies that examine homelessness among mothers and children, that more than
80% had previously experienced domestic violence and that between 22-57% of all
homeless women report that domestic violence was the immediate cause of their
homelessness??
I am asking you all to make a determined effort to attend
one of the Candlelighting Ceremonies in October in recognition of National
Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Take
your stand against domestic violence in your communities. Let your friends, family members, co-workers,
and neighbors know that domestic violence is a crime and should NOT be
tolerated.
Times and dates are as follows are on the website and the previous blog post.
Teri Ducy
Domestic Violence Program Director
